Faculty and Staff Q&A

Sandra Murray, assistant professor of psychology, has been a faculty member since 1996. Her major areas of concentration include close relationships, psychology of the self and motivated cognition.

What are some of the mental processes we go through when establishing a close relationship?

When people begin romantic relationships, they focus primarily on the virtues they see in their partners. This is easy to do early on because couples tend to focus on shared interests and conflicts aren't that likely to come up. So the pull of their partners' virtues draws people into their relationships and strengthens the sense that they've found the "right" person.

As time passes, though, we begin to discover our partner's faults and we begin to have conflicts. These types of experiences generate doubt. We then need to find some way of minimizing our doubts.

So in terms of the mental processes people go through, this type of romantic trap (i.e., that we only discover our partner's more serious faults when we've already committed ourselves to the relationship) translates into people needing to minimize the importance of their partners' faults and blowing up or embellishing the importance of their virtues. Through these types of transformations, we find a sense of security in the perception that we're in the right relationship with the right person.

What's the most common mistake people make when trying to begin a romantic relationship?

This is a difficult question to answer because researchers frame questions in terms of factors that predict relationship satisfaction and longevity, rather than in terms of "mistakes" people make. Relationships can dissolve without people necessarily making identifiable "mistakes."

But, many researchers would argue that the development of relationships depends critically on the development of trust between partners. And the development of trust depends on partners reciprocating one another's expressions of affection and commitment.

So in the beginning stages, a relationship can experience difficulty if one person comes on "too strong" and makes expressions of commitment that the partner is not willing to reciprocate. In turn, a relationship can also run into difficulty if one partner "drags" his or her feet and doesn't reciprocate the other's expressions of affection and commitment.

Do your really believe there is one "true love" out there for everyone?

No, I really don't. The idea of one "true love" implies that people are unchanging and that there are perfectly compatible matches out there for everyone. The reality of the situation, though, is that people are constantly changing throughout their lives (as they confront new situations and challenges, like new jobs and having children). So maintaining relationships is a process of mutual influence and change where couples change one another into their "true loves."

What keeps some people from even starting new relationships?

To start and maintain romantic relationships, people need to feel as though their feelings are reciprocated. So insecurities about how your (prospective) partner feels about you can stop people from initiating relationships. Another way of putting this is that fear of rejection can often stop people from initiating relationships.

Is everyone capable of forming close or intimate relationships?

Most researchers believe that the need to form and maintain relationships is a fundamental human motivation. So I would argue that everyone is capable of forming close relationships, but certain types of personality variables and past experiences may make some people more reluctant to take the risk of trying to initiate relationships (because of fear of being rejected, etc.).

How can people learn to develop better relationships?

I would need to write a book to answer this question completely because there has simply been tons of research that has looked at the question of what makes some relationships more satisfying than others.

It seems that relationships function best and stay the most satisfying when partners are charitable and tolerant in how they see one another. This is critically important because conflicts are always going to come up and people inevitably transgress in their relationships. Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt in these situations is a good recommendation for keeping your relationship more satisfying.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Not exactly. I believe that people can be attracted to someone at first sight, but love is a much more complicated emotion that requires commitment, and commitment only comes through time and shared experiences.

It's been said that studying the psychology of love takes the magic out of it. Do you think that's so?

No, I don't really think so. Researchers have really only been studying love from a scientific standpoint for about 30 years. So given the complexity of the phenomenon, I think we're a long way from taking the magic out of love. And even if researchers understood 100 percent of the variance in why people fall in love and what makes relationships stay satisfying over time, this still wouldn't take the magic out of the experience for the people who are in the relationship.

What's something people don't know about you and should?

I'm running a very active research lab and we're studying romantic relationships. This term we are involved in a very exciting project where we are looking at the daily experiences and feelings of college students in romantic relationships. We're in the process of recruiting participants right now, and if any of your readers are interested in participating, they can reach us by e-mail at daily-study@acsu.buffalo.edu or by phone at 645-3650, ext. 308